This might be a bit of a rant …
During the week I had a conversation with my mother about my concerns about son#1 and the boundaries I have set for him (again)
- I will not accept drugs in my home. Full stop. If he transgresses he is out. Not necessarily for ever, and he has a father round the corner so he won’t be on the street, but I will NOT accept it.
- He need to keep his room hygienic. If he will not he forfeits the right to a bedroom and can reside in the Den at the end of the garden.
My mother was full of reasons why I should not be ‘so harsh’ and full of explanations / excuses for his behaviour.
I have thought about this at some length and discussed it with my therapist yesterday. Basically she (my mother ) is saying that I should have NO boundaries where son#1 is concerned, and that whatever he does I should just suck it up…
To me this is a recipe for anger, resentment & frustration. For me. It feels like my feelings and the consequences for me or the other two children do not matter, everything must be done to keep son#1 happy. It seems to me that this is how she lived her life – angry and resentful at having to do everything whilst my father sat in front of the TV. No boundaries, and no consequences. Just seething resentment and explosive anger …
I have good reasons for not accepting drugs in my home
- Its illegal; I am a professional and my status and registration could be at risk if drugs are found in my home.
- Drug taking cost me my marriage and my future as part of a nuclear family. The direct result of my ex Husbands refusal to stop using cannabis, cocaine and God knows what else led to total breakdown of my family.
- My sobriety and peace of mind are at risk if this continues
- son#2 has significant mental health problems and is extremely vulnerable to the risk of ‘self medication’ with cannabis. I do not want this stuff under his nose
- son#3 is 13 years old. I do not want him to grow up in a home where drug taking is accepted.
But the message I get from my mother is that I should put aside all these reasons and accept this behaviour because son#1 ‘has the wrong sort of friends’; cannot be reasoned with because he has Asperger’s and thus a rigid set of beliefs; and that he needs stability to make the best of his opportunities at College. The message I get is that women (or mothers) are expected to accept anything from their beloved offspring, or husband or others, stuff down their own feelings and reasonable expectations, and just suck it up.
This is the message I have had, and witnessed, all my life and I have come to realise that its at the base of a lot of my issues with my mother. My needs and expectations have no value or currency at all in her world view. I am powerless to change others and not able to (or should not) stand up for what I believe to be right, no matter how reasonable that might be.
Well you know what? stuff that. An angry resentful person is NOT who I want to be. I want to be strong and assertive and I want my reasonable requests acceded to, by a 19 year old young man who lives in MY home and is fully financially supported by ME. I’m not asking him to stop breathing. Its normal to say no to drug taking and Asperger’s or not he knows perfectly well what my rules are.
I will need to address this with her (my mother) at some point, when I am less annoyed. But for now, I have explained to him how angry and resentful it makes me when he walks all over my rules and reiterated the consequences…
lets see what happens