This is a post that has been stewing in my mind since I realised that I have changed, even in the last 3 weeks, and just hugely since the day 889 days ago that I woke up and realised that I HAD to stop drinking. Or is it since the day, 2 years ago on Sunday, that I called a halt to my destructive, abusive relationship?
Of course the two are inextricably linked, but I can see now the fruits of the therapy. At times I have felt mired in the fallout and the personal recrimination, and the restless ennui of the recovery process, struggling with self confidence in almost every area, paralysed by indecision and fear of more failure. Insecure in the love of my children, afraid to set boundaries, beset with worry about not being a good mother, daughter, friend, sister, doctor, person ..
I feel differently today.
It’s been coming, in my peripheral vision, for a little while. I’ve been subtly aware of a shift in my self perception for probably 6 months now. Little shoots of fledgling confidence, shafts of positive thinking, a growing awareness that I have nothing to be ashamed about.
And in another one of those ‘big jumps’ of enlightenment I have experienced before, I suddenly feel, in my bones, that “I am enough”.
Imperfect certainly, (human) but good enough.
And with that feeling, that conviction, comes a new surge of energy and a sense of purpose. No more putting off till tomorrow, no more drifting and aimlessly hoping that things will turn out ok, it’s time for planning and building the future that I want for myself. The internal locus of control is returning, and I feel that I am in control of what happens to me, not external people, forces or circumstances. That I cannot predict everything, but I can plan, build and live with purpose in mind.
This feeling has also come from a recognition of mortality. That time is not endless, and that we none of us know how long we have. The best life is what we need to aim for now, not at some undefined point in the future, and if I have say 25 good years in front of me ((God willing) then I had better make the best of them!