Just suck it up…

This might be a bit of a rant …

During the week I had a conversation with my mother about my concerns about son#1 and the boundaries I have set for him (again)

Namely

  • I will not accept drugs in my home. Full stop. If he transgresses he is out. Not necessarily for ever, and he has a father round the corner so he won’t be on the street, but I will NOT accept it.
  • He need to keep his room hygienic. If he will not he forfeits the right to a bedroom and can reside in the Den at the end of the garden.

My mother was full of reasons why I should not be ‘so harsh’ and full of explanations / excuses for his behaviour.

I have thought about this at some length and discussed it with my therapist yesterday. Basically she (my mother ) is saying that I should have NO boundaries where son#1 is concerned, and that whatever he does I should just suck it up…

To me this is a recipe for anger, resentment & frustration. For me. It feels like my feelings and the consequences for me or the other two children do not matter, everything must be done to keep son#1 happy. It seems to me that this is how she lived her life – angry and resentful at having to do everything whilst my father sat in front of the TV. No boundaries, and no consequences. Just seething resentment and explosive anger …

I have good reasons for not accepting drugs in my home

  • Its illegal; I am a professional and my status and registration could be at risk if drugs are found in my home.
  • Drug taking cost me my marriage and my future as part of a nuclear family. The direct result of my ex Husbands refusal to stop using cannabis, cocaine and God knows what else led to total breakdown of my family.
  • My sobriety and peace of mind are at risk if this continues
  • son#2 has significant mental health problems and is extremely vulnerable to the risk of ‘self medication’ with cannabis. I do not want this stuff under his nose
  • son#3 is 13 years old. I do not want him to grow up in  a home where drug taking is accepted.

But the message I get from my mother is that I should put aside all these reasons and accept this behaviour because son#1 ‘has the wrong sort of friends’; cannot be reasoned with because he has Asperger’s and thus a rigid set of beliefs; and that he needs stability to make the best of his opportunities at College. The message I get is that women (or mothers) are expected to accept anything from their beloved offspring, or husband or others, stuff down their own feelings and reasonable expectations, and just suck it up.

This is the message I have had, and witnessed, all my life and I have come to realise that its at the base of a lot of my issues with my mother. My needs and expectations have no value or currency at all in her world view. I am powerless to change others and not able to (or should not) stand up for what I believe to be right, no matter how reasonable that might be.

Well you know what? stuff that. An angry resentful person is NOT who I want to be. I want to be strong and assertive and I want my reasonable requests acceded to, by a 19 year old young man who lives in MY home and is fully financially supported by ME. I’m not asking him to stop breathing. Its normal to say no to drug taking and Asperger’s or not he knows perfectly well what my rules are.

I will need to address this with her (my mother) at some point, when I am less annoyed. But for now, I have explained to him how angry and resentful it makes me when he walks all over my rules and reiterated the consequences…

lets see what happens


11 comments

  1. I think we’re meant to move beyond our mother’s generation. My mother was brought up to warn me about all the disastrous things that can happen when you make waves (i.e., enforce your own rules). It’s not her fault — she just reflects the era she was brought up in.
    I went to visit my daughter recently, and several times she said, “That’s sexist,” in response to some off-hand comment I made. I was annoyed at first but realized she was right. She is meant to move beyond me. ; )

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Woah! What strange advice, especially from your therapist! Everyone needs boundaries! Family, relationships, friendships! And 100% children and teenagers!! Do what you’re doing. Will be better for ALL of you in the long run. You never read a biography ‘oh and my parents lets me do whatever whenever and that’s how I sorted myself out’ !!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m sorry my post was not clear, I’ve edited it now. My therapist 100% backs my boundaries – she’s spent two years patiently listening to me and helping me to see that I need them, it’s my mother advocating the doormat route
      ! 😊😊🌷xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Is cannabis legal in England?
    If not, I’m really shocked the therapist would not support that boundary.

    But…they are your boundaries. So don’t feel you need anyone to agree with them except yourself.

    Life is complicated. Sometimes we do have to accept things we don’t like. That’s what son #1 is learning. Maybe all 3 sons.

    Hugs and love
    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I hear you. I’m in the same situation with nearly adult child. Child has been diagnosed with Asperger’s recently, after I’ve been fighting for 15 years to get someone to recognise just how much child, and we, were struggling. Child doesn’t do drugs, but is very aggressive and verbally abusive and sometime violent. From anyone else it would be domestic abuse. I’ve been told to just suck it up as its our child. But it offends all of my (quite reasonable) boundaries to do so.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m sorry to hear that. Are you in the UK? It’s so very hard to access help for young people, and it’s so very hard struggling on alone with this rubbish. No answers but I do feel for you. 🌷xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes UK, and I hear you about CAMHS! This time, we got lucky with an excellent and caring Psychiatrist, who bothered to review with an open mind our previous experiences. Immediately saw that there were serious issues there and asked for further assessments. And surprise surprise what I was worried about almost right from the start, has been confirmed. Not that I take any pleasure in being correct.

        Like

  5. Not only do you, the parent, become angry and resentful. Your son learns that his bad behaviour should be accepted by anyone- employers, spouses, anyone! It leads to failure on epic levels! Does your mom want that?

    Liked by 1 person


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