In the last couple of weeks, as my step work has progressed, I have been introduced to this ‘personal craziness index’.

This can be found in the book above that I have been working through. Essentially it distills the character defects, painfully worked out through my step 4 inventories, identifies (lots of) behaviours that arise from these and suggests you chose the seven most ‘measurable’ on a day to day basis. Specifically those that indicate emotional disequilibrium…

So on my list are things like ‘messy bedroom’, which comes from my tendency to procrastination and a recognition that for me, a tidy and clean personal environment indicates a degree of emotional stability. Others include ‘irritability with kids’ – again when I’m feeling stable and robust (and not over dramatising) I’m better able to manage the normal ups and downs of life with three teenagers; messed up eating patterns ( a nod to the long standing, and now intermittent, craziness of my food intake) and absence of mediation / prayer/gratitude list … again, when I’m emotionally ok, I make time for these things … and I recognise that they are important for me.

At the end of each day, I add up the number of ticks in the boxes, give myself a score out of 7 for personal craziness, and jot it down. It’s a pretty accurate reflection of where I am.

Right now, I’m at 6/7. This is not great.

I going to offload a bit here, because it helps me to write this stuff down..

Firstly the kids. Son1 is home; after an aborted attempt at a conciliatory chat on Saturday (he stormed out) he returned in a much more reasonable frame of mind on Sunday. He accepted that he had broken the rules, and that part of my frustration with him came from his lack of contribution to any tasks in the home. He’s been much better since then, has cleaned up after himself, cleaned the kitchen and generally been a lot more helpful. I agreed to lay off the ‘get a job’ pressure for a week .. result a much more harmonious relationship. So much for son1 (for now)

Son3 is really no trouble. Hes been watching, a bit wide eyed, at the strife – and I can see him listening and learning. He gets himself up for school, is oi his homework, has submitted with reasonable good grace to the removal of his gaming computer during the week and is generally low maintenance. So much for son3

Son2 is the focus of stress right now. Is this me ? I don’t actually think so. Last week he failed to attend school /college on Friday when he had opted not to attend an optional team building day at Go Ape (for anyone who doesn’t know this is an activity center which involves swinging though trees / high ropes and activities up in the canopy) For a kid with a long standing discomfort of heights, not going seemed reasonable. What he neglected to tell me was that he should, therefore have attended normal lectures. He didn’t. He then missed his private maths tuition in the afternoon which he ‘forgot’ despite my reminding him twice during the day. This cost me £40 for nothing. Yesterday, after a massive tantrum he failed to turn up for his scheduled sociology lecture, which resulted in school phoning me and informing me that if he missed on further class he would be asked to leave.

Great.

He has adopted his older brothers mantle of lying in bed all day, amidst a jumble of dirty plates, clothes and books all over every surface and the floor.

I am very busy at work and simply not there all day to insist he clears up. Today I told him that if the space is not clean by the time I get home, I will confiscate his phone for a week. Lets see what that achieves.

So other stresses.

Last weekend I received a bill from son2’s private psychologist for £920. I was expecting £345. Plus a ‘bit’ . She charged me 1.5 x normal rates for a shed load of work she did (unasked) in August… she never informed me she would be charging me 1.5 x normal rate (which is £125 /hour) nor did she offer me the option to defer this till September nor did she give me any indication of the costs accruing. I raised these issues with her and got a  flat ‘this is the bill, pay it’ response.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Son2 likes her, he trusts her. She has been working with him for 6 months. I am very loath to disrupt the therapeutic relationship. BUT I feel she has been unprofessional and disingenuous and I no longer trust her … certainly I don’t trust her to be transparent about her charges. I’m very angry and very frustrated, but I’m mindful that I have a tendency to both overreact and paradoxically to minimize. so I have no idea if my reaction is reasonable. And that stresses me still further.

I know I should be happy that I’m sober. I AM happy that I’m sober, and I know all of this stuff would be harder if I were not. i just feel I’m lurching from one crisis to the next, clinging on with my fingernails and trying to create the order Im desperately seeking out of the chaos that is my lived experience.

This morning I found a contraption similar to the one above next to my sleeping 19 year old son.

For anyone who doesn’t know, its a grinder that breaks up clumps of marijuana leaves so that they can be distributed more evenly in a joint. He fell asleep in the Den last night and I was looking for him that morning as the dog is limping and needs to go to the Vet.

Oh dear.

Stupid boy doesn’t even have the nous to clean up after himself.

You might remember that the last time I found this stuff, about 3 weeks ago, I made it crystal clear (again) that I would not accept this in my house. He remembers, and so do I.

I’ve talked a lot about boundaries and consequences in this blog. About learning that boundaries are essential for my own self esteem and to maintain some order at home. About realizing how angry, powerless and resentful it has made me in the past having all my needs and requests ignored. And I have realised that at least for my younger two children, they feel better ‘contained’ when the rules are clear and enforced.

I set a clear boundary. I gave him one chance, one ‘mistake’, and I told him what would happen if he transgressed again and I discovered it. He has.

And I have told him to leave.

I called his father and said that he will need to stay at his house, and I told him to leave. Very calmly, no shouting and no hysterics. No anger. I’m very disappointed, but I’m not angry.

Not easy, by any means. But the consequences of NOT following through on my clearly stated (and not unreasonable) ultimatum, seem to me that they would be worse.

Son2 says I should be thinking about why he does this… and of course I do. I understand that he’s stressed about starting College, I accept that hes anxious about making friends, and I get that he’s under-occupied, bored and restless. I have given him many suggestions of things he could do to fill his time in a productive way, many options of clubs or sports or hobbies he could take up. Most importantly he could (and should) be looking for work… (he’s not)…

I cannot make him do anything, I cannot stop him smoking weed, loafing around and wasting his time, I cannot get him a job – but I can draw THIS line – no drugs in my house.

And I can enforce my consequences.

My mother is wringing her hands and is predictably full of plans to control him, get him away from people she perceives as leading him astray (they have all left College anyway) MAKE him clean up his mess etc. But all these plans won’t work,  because you cannot control what a 19 year old man does every minute of the day, he makes his own choices. He knows perfectly well that marijuana demotivates him and leaves him apathetic and lazy, he know perfectly well that he needs to look for work and how to do it. He knows perfectly well that his messy dirty health hazard of a bedroom upsets me – but he doesn’t care enough to not smoke drugs, make an effort look for work or clean up.

And trying to make me accept this, tolerate it, turn a blind eye, be endlessly supportive won’t work either because it will just make me angry, irritable and resentful.

So, he will need to stay at his paternal grandmothers house with his father. Where there is no wifi, no home comforts, no dog; where he will be eating plastic food out of packets and where he is not wanted.

I don’t know how long for, or if there are conditions on his return, but here I draw the line, and I will take whatever the consequences are in the longer term because I can see no alternative at the moment.

Predictably I feel guilty, a bit wobbly, and very unsure. Once again I’m back to trying NOT to blame myself – my mother told me I am ‘obsessed’ with son1 finding a job and ‘taking it out on him’ because my ex Partner refused to get a job. This is not true. I want him to get a part time job because

• he needs to earn some money to fund his leisure activities
• Having 4.5 days a week to do nothing, with no responsibilities is not good for anyone. College is not much more than two days a week and hours of unstructured time are not great
• I want him to understand the value of work, at present he just doesn’t
• I believe it will make him grow up a bit
• I expect it will help his confidence

I’m very tired of the stress. I’m very tired of the constant uphill battle to get sons 1 &2 to function in a vaguely normal way, but I can no longer just turn a blind eye to the kind of behaviour that is contributing to a lifestyle and life choices that I do not accept are best for anyone.

Sigh. Interestingly I still feel better than I did last week, my self discipline in respect of my personal mental health programme is definitely paying off, and I am much calmer inside. Thank God!