This is raw. So don’t read it if you are feeling low /wobbly …
Yesterday was a seriously bad day.
In the last 6 weeks, since I went holiday, I have been doing well in lots of ways.
- Feeling strong
- setting clear boundaries with my sons, my ex partner, a work colleague
- My eating patterns improved beyond recognition
I am quite sure this is because before I went away I had built some good ‘self care’ habits
- Acceptance of a higher power
- Regular prayer / meditation. Short but regular.
- Attending Church
- Attending AA meetings, again not masses, but a couple of times a week
- Working through stuff with my sponsor.
I ignored the subtle eroding of this routine since I came home as I felt good, and everything was going well. I ignored the subtle erosion of my mood, I ignored advice to go to meetings, I ignored a chocolate binge earlier in the week with accompanying feelings of self loathing …
In my anxiety about my children, increased work pressure, and everything else competing for my time and attention I neglected my carefully, painfully learned self care.
You can guess the rest.
No, I haven’t relapsed in the alcohol way, but I’m sitting here this evening feeling thoroughly miserable, having eaten everything I could find, stressed, anxious and low. And I know I HAVE to do something about this, or I will relapse..
I cannot understand why I have effectively self sabotaged like this. It’s been a long hard road to that place of increasing confidence, relative emotional stability, and peace, and it was such an empowering place to be.
I know what I need to do, I just don’t know why it’s so hard to motivate myself to do it.
Is it possible that these self destructive patterns serve some kind of ‘other purpose’ for me? That, although I desperately don’t want to be a messy, depressed, eating disordered, active alcoholic, that this served some kind of function for me? That breaking the patterns and habits of a lifetime is hard not just because of the neural pathways I have laid down over the years, but because these behaviour shielded me from ‘something’..
this is hard. I also think the re-emergence of my exPartner after 6 months silence has disturbed me. His emails, and the anger, resentment, and distress they caused me, have underlined that I am not at that place of indifference and forgiveness I have been aiming for. I want to forgive him, because then he can’t touch me any more, I want to forgive him for ME , so that I can find peace … but I can’t (yet) . I’m still too hurt, too let down, too angry. And I still react too much to these (understandable) emotions. It’s probably ok to be angry, he did great damage and great wrong to me, and my children.. but I judge myself harshly for not being able/ ready to move on and forgive / let go.
On reflection it’s this self criticism which is more damaging than the anger.
Having largely removed him from my conscious thoughts, and actively decided NOT to read more about narcissistic relationships, not to include books about toxic partners in my reading lists, and not to lurk about on Internet forums where damaged partners of narcissists share their pain, I now find I’m back to reliving my hurt, anger and self doubt … and back to reading others stories, and feeling their pain, reliving my own. I had accepted I will not get answers, I had fully recognised that he cannot see what he has done wrong, because he simply doesn’t get it, and I had accepted that I was deceived, manipulated and lied to not because I am an idiot: stupid and naive, but because he is very very good at lying, manipulating and deceiving for his own ends.
I so want that back.
This place, this emotional desert, with no protection against wind and sand storms and the cold night, is horrible. I need to rebuild my little oasis, and I need to take more care of the metaphorical ‘tent posts’ , canvas and fire that form the basis of my shelter.
PS. It’s Saturday now,. And I’m a bit better. Went to a meeting yesterday and going again this weekend. Been praying. Will go to church tomorrow, will be ok.