As the time since the ending of my last relationship increases, and the emotional carnage left behind is partially healed,I begun to wonder, “will I be alone for ever?”
I started using the ‘bumble’ dating app for a while a few months ago, but though I had a couple of dates I quite quickly realised I had neither the energy nor the appetite for dating at that particular time. I deleted the app and carried on.
Despite the apparent ‘failure’ of this experiment, it taught me a couple of interesting lessons:
- Dating sober is ok. It’s not like dating drunk- or even a bit tipsy, but it has some distinct advantages
- I have got very picky. This is also not a bad thing, and for now it’s just an observation. There were many more men interested in ‘meeting’ me than I was prepared to consider.
- One can set ones own rules . And that’s ok, even expected. Saying ‘thanks but no thanks’ after dinner is not only fine, but providing it’s done politely and kindly , completely acceptable.
- I can’t be bothered at the moment. Dating requires energy. It requires time and a willingness to be available, leave home and try …. I’d rather be home with the kids /dogs and sewing /TV at the moment.
So with all these provisos I wonder why I am even wondering about the future, possible future, possible partner I might want/ choose if the option were there ?
Maybe because I’m still an optimist by nature. Maybe I still believe, or hope , that it’s possible for life to be enhanced by a partner – that someone loving you could be a positive rather than a sad, soul destroying descent into miserable, aching sadness. I do see it around me. I see couples who have weathered difficult times and come out together stronger- at least that’s how it looks to me from the outside. Certainly they have been together for many years.
I don’t lack companionship. I’m not lonely (any more) I have some great friends, a job which involves a lot of contact with others, a family and other more superficial acquaintances I can spend time with should I feel the need. I don’t even really feel the need for a partner to confide in – right now I can’t imagine trusting anyone’s advice more than that of K or my brother (female and male input) or my close sober sister (for those bits) …. I have Angela to pose the difficult questions at me , ….
If I think about it, it’s the future alone I don’t really fancy. When the kids have grown and left home – when I have retired, so less / no daily contact with colleagues … or maybe that special person for whom I would be the number one – as they would be for me ?
I think I’m in a much better position to chose wisely now. The last two relationships I embarked upon were both driven by psychological needs that I was only partially aware of. From a place where I am A) sober and b) painfully wiser , I think I could make a better choice – as long as I’m careful, listen to my gut instincts and am honest with myself .